You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
