I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
