I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
