Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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