you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
