Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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