Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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