i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize