So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
