dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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