they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
