I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i believe in u and ur pee
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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