The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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