we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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