guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
