Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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