There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
