you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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