Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
