apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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