Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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