i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
