??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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