too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
