Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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