Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
