I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
