I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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