I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
