I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
