god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize