Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
