i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
