There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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