I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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