I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
