your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
