He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
