I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
