Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
