I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
