im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize