you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
