If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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