just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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