Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
