smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize