The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
