i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
