i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
