he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
