I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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