god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
