I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
