i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
