so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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