so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Text me some of your sweat
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
