I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Who wears a wallet chain?!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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