Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
