how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
pop tarts are not kleenex
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Randomize
