If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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