I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
