Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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