I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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