She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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