How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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