i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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