Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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