First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
i need some magic done to my vagina
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
