Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
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