When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
