Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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