Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
