I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I can text with my tongue
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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