last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
