Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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