If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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