That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
