so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
