I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
